


Guardians of Earth

by Ellesra, glowcloudy, orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Gen, Humor, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2216958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellesra/pseuds/Ellesra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowcloudy/pseuds/glowcloudy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Popular amongst humans and trolls alike, the show Guardians of Earth is being translated into Alternian. Dirk and Karkat strongly disagree about how their favorite ship (Dad/Alpha Dave) will be interpreted in the official dub.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guardians of Earth

**Author's Note:**

> This was Team Guardians' Collaborative Round entry for Homestuck Shipping World Cup 2014. Thank you to my entire team for all their hard work on this. Most of it was written by me; illustrations are by Ellesra and glowcloudy. Thank you to stunrunner for writing up the outline, and to pcrabapple, gooberascendant, and doxian for their work on brainstorming and editing.
> 
>  
> 
> _Warning: The link in this has autoplay music. There is also one animated gif._

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]  
CG: HUMAN. I COMMAND YOU TO CEASE WHATEVER FOOLISH ACTIVITY IS PREOCCUPYING YOU AND ALLOW ME TO DELIVER NEWS ABOUT SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT.  
TT: Dirk's busy, as you seem well aware.  
TT: But if he weren't, I can predict with 96.3% accuracy that he would say something like, “Alright, I command you to cease being a pompous jackass for five seconds. Do I win the 'orders that won't be executed' game?”  
CG: HAR, HAR. WHAT IS HE DOING THAT'S SO IMPORTANT HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR EXCITING MEDIA ANNOUNCEMENTS?  
TT: I don't know, literally anything?  
CG: IT'S ABOUT THE GUARDIANS OF EARTH SHOW.  
TT: OK, he’d actually be interested in that.  
TT: Damn right I would be. Now get out of here.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: And don't go cybering with Roxy again. It's creepy.  
TT: You're not my real dad. No promises.  
TT: Goddammit.  
CG: AND I THOUGHT *I* HAD PROBLEMS TALKING TO MYSELF.  
TT: Spare me the commentary and just give me the news already.  
CG: THEY'RE MAKING AN OFFICIAL ALTERNIAN DUB.  
TT: No shit? That'll be interesting.  
CG: YEAH. HONESTLY, I'M RELIEVED.  
TT: Why's that? You've already suffered through Jake's abysmal fandub. Sunk effort, bro – Watching the new version won't get you those hours of your life back.  
CG: I KNOW THAT! DESPITE YOUR FONDNESS FOR SUGGESTING OTHERWISE, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.  
CG: AS YOU SO CARELESSLY HAVE OVERLOOKED THOUGH, THIS MEANS ANY TIME I REWATCH IT, I CAN WATCH THE OFFICIAL DUB.  
TT: For all you know, it could be as horrendous as Jake's. I imagine it's coming over for a niche market. Alternians on the whole aren't that fond of Earth culture.  
CG: IT'S COMING OVER IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE OF THE HUGE INTERNET FOLLOWING IT'S GETTING OVER HERE, SO IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A GAMBLE FOR THEM.  
TT: All the more reason for them to not bother doing a good job with it. They have a captive audience.  
CG: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THERE'S ANY WAY THE OFFICIAL DUB COULD BE ANY WORSE THAN JAKE ENGLISH DEMONSTRATING HIS OFFENSIVELY INEPT ATTEMPTS AT CULTURAL AWARENESS, HIS EERILY GOOD FALSETTO, AND HIS HILARIOUSLY BAD ALTERNIAN ACCENT.  
TT: His accent is hilariously bad? I don’t see you volunteering to do any fandubbing.  
CG: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MY ENGLISH IS GREAT.  
TT: If it was, you'd be making the fandubs yourself.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I'M THAT ALTRUISTIC?  
TT: Or maybe you just hate the sound of your own voice.  
CG: FOR ALL YOUR LOVE OF PSYCHOANALYSIS, I'M SURPRISED THAT ROSE ISN'T YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER.  
CG: OH WAIT – SHE'S ACTUALLY GOOD AT PSYCHOANALYSIS. UNLIKE YOU, SHE HAS SOME IOTA OF COMPREHENSION OF OTHER PEOPLE'S MOTIVATIONS AND DESIRES.  
TT: Are you kidding? I'm the emperor of figuring people out. My empire extends over the vast map of sentient being psychology, from the nation of Poorly-Disguised Desires all the way out to the distant island of Delusions of Grandeur.  
CG: MORE LIKE MAYOR OF CLUELESSVILLE, POPULATION: 1.  
CG: HENCE WHY YOU PICKED THE FAUX-COOL, SWORD-WIELDING, RICH-FAMOUS-AND-TRYING-DESPERATELY-TO-BE-A-SEXY-BAD-BOY TOOLBAG FOR A FAVORITE.  
CG: WHO COINCIDENTALLY ALSO WEARS SHADES THAT MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE AN INDUSTRIAL-SIZED DOUCHE.  
TT: So you've been admiring my selfies on Tumblr? Interesting.  
CG: ADMIRING?! NO, YOU POSTED SO GODDAMN MANY THAT I BANLISTED THEM.  
TT: Banlisted?  
CG: UGH, “BLACKLISTED,” AS YOU'D SAY.  
CG: BUT YOU KNOW THE CONNOTATIONS OF “BLACK” AND I'M TRYING TO HAVE AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH YOU ABOUT OUR FAVORITE SHOW, NOT PUT UP WITH YOUR WEIRD INNUENDOS AND LOVE OF POKING FUN AT QUADRANTS.  
TT: And why can't we have both?  
TT: You're far easier to make fun of if you insist on making up words.  
CG: IT'S A LEGITIMATE TRANSLATION ISSUE, ACTUALLY!  
TT: And is “banlisted” the preferred translation?  
CG: NO, BUT IT'S A POSSIBLE ONE.  
TT: Uh huh.  
TT: Anyway, I'm intrigued to see the official Alternian dub as well. I imagine they'll re-edit it.  
CG: YEAH, AND HOW THEY DO IT WILL BE FASCINATING.  
CG: IT'S BEING DONE BY A JOINT TERRAN AND ALTERNIAN TEAM, SO HOPEFULLY IT WON'T BE THE LAUGHABLE WRECK THAT SKAIAN SAMURAI WAS.  
CG: THEY HAD SO MANY PERFECT OPPORTUNITIES TO ACCURATELY TRANSLATE THE ROMANCE FROM THE YAWN-INDUCING SINGLE-SYMBOL SYSTEM INTO QUADRANTS.  
TT: Not to crush your hopes, but I doubt they'll add much in for quadrants. Unless you count DaveRose, which is practically canon in the Earth version anyway.  
CG: HONESTLY, I CAN SEE THAT SINCE THEY'RE HUMANS, BUT IF THEY WERE TROLLS, THAT'D BE THE LAMEST MOIRALLEGIANCE EVER.  
CG: HE'S NEVER EVEN STOPPED HER FROM KILLING ANYONE.  
TT: Not in this season. I'm betting we'll see that in the next one. Besides, preventing grievous bodily injury to others isn't the only purpose of moirallegiance. Rose has certainly kept him from rash decisions on more than one occasion.  
CG: FEWER TIMES THAN SHE’S TRIED AND FAILED.  
CG: AND I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THE MOST POTENT OCCURRENCE WASN'T EVEN ABOUT DAVE AND ROSE ANYWAY; IT WAS ABOUT DAD AND DAVE.  
TT: Which, the one where they corner the Hegemonic Brute? How do you figure?  
CG: YEAH, THAT'S THE BEST EXAMPLE OF THEIR QUASI-MOIRALLEGIANCE, ISN'T IT? AND COME ON, IT'S OBVIOUS!  
TT: I'm not disagreeing. I simply want to hear your reasoning.  
CG: I’M NOT WASTING MY TIME ON IT IF YOU AREN’T DISAGREEING. THE POINT IS THAT DAVE IS PITCH FOR DAD.  
TT: No, he isn’t. Granted, his desire – or frankly, obsession – doesn't fit into the neat flushed category either, but pitch isn't any more accurate than the usual type of human romance.  
TT: The closest equivalent would be a strong submissive urge, in the context of Dominance/submission. Dave isn't the stereotypical doormat, but he does fit the archetype of the pig-headed submissive, craving a strong dominant presence. That's why he's always challenging Dad. He doesn't want to win, but he wants to know Dad is always a step ahead of him and is worthy of his possibly-requited yearning.  
CG: AS FASCINATING AND INSIGHTFUL* AS YOUR INTERPRETATION IS, IT'S NOT CANON AND IT NEVER WILL BE FOR THE ENGLISH OR THE ALTERNIAN VERSION.  
CG: *AS IN, PROVIDING INSIGHT INTO YOUR OWN DESIRES AND FETISHES.  
TT: D/s isn't about fetishes. It's about power and a range of emotions too complex for someone whose settings are Self Loathing, Possibly-Caliginous Rage, and Definitely-Caliginous Rage.  
TT: As for me projecting on the characters, weren't you the one telling me you had started a Dad/Dave fanfic?  
CG: I DIDN'T TELL YOU. I JUST POSTED ABOUT IT ON TUMBLR.  
TT: Ah.  
  
TT: I see you never responded to her. Rude.  
CG: YES, HOW TERRIBLY RUDE OF ME TO NOT REBLOG HER INSINUATION THAT I POPPED A WIGGLY THINKING ABOUT MY DAD♠DAVE FANFICTION IDEA.  
CG: FOR THE RECORD, I MESSAGED HER PRIVATELY AND IT LED TO A GOOD DISCUSSION.  
TT: A good discussion of your favorite smut fics for Guardians of Earth?  
CG: AS IF YOU DON'T READ ANY!  
TT: You got me. I read loads and loads of Dave/Dad filthy erotica.  
TT: Or I would, if there was anything good out there. That pairing is woefully underrepresented. People seem to be far more fond of shipping Dave with Poppop. They have more screen time together, but they lack the electricity that charges every interaction between Dave and Dad.  
CG: WELL IF I HAVE ANY SAY IN IT, THE LACK OF GOOD DAD/DAVE FIC WILL BE FIXED SOON.  
TT: How is that coming along?  
CG: I MADE THAT POST TWO HOURS AGO, SHITBRAIN.  
TT: Exactly.  
CG: ... I'M THREE THOUSAND WORDS INTO IT.  
TT: Hahahaha.  
TT: Ok, I've gotta see this.  
CG: RIGHT AFTER YOU LAUGH AT ME? NICE TRY.  
TT: You're going to want to get it beta read before you post it, and as much as you may disagree with my end result, you know my character analysis skills are unbeatable.  
CG: AS LONG AS THEY'RE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, YES.  
CG: I'LL SEND IT TO YOU PROVIDED YOU KEEP IN MIND THIS IS A FIRST DRAFT.  
  
TT: You're starting this immediately after the final episode?  
CG: YEAH, IT WAS THE MOST LOGICAL STARTING POINT.  
TT: First of all, you realize that this is pointless, seeing as season two will be released on Earth in less than six months.  
CG: I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BY THAT LOGIC, NO ONE SHOULD EVER WRITE SEQUEL FIC FOR ANY BOOK, MOVIE, OR SHOW UNLESS IT'S GUARANTEED TO BE STAND-ALONE!  
CG: SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?  
TT: Prequel work. Scenes that fit into canon, but would have happened off screen. Anything that enriches character background and development without lazily picking up where the screenwriters left off.  
CG: LAZILY?! THIS TAKES WAY MORE THINKING AND PLANNING THAN SOME STUPID "DELETED SCENE."  
TT: Absolutely not. Restrictions force creativity. If you tell someone, make anything for dinner, but here is what I had the last few nights, you'll get something uninspired. Something solidly within their comfort zone.  
TT: If you establish a rigorous set of boundaries, telling them all the foods you like and those you dislike, they have much less to work with, and paradoxically will present something much more innovative.  
CG: NOT ONLY IS THAT IDIOTIC AND A COMPLETELY INACCURATE COMPARISON, IT ISN'T EVEN TRUE.  
TT: How often have you had others cook for you? Have you tested this with both conditions?  
CG: THIS IS YOUR SCENARIO; YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO PROVIDE EVIDENCE OF ITS ACCURACY.  
CG: AND EVEN IF YOU DID, IT'S STILL AN ABYSMAL COMPARISON.  
TT: Alright, let's humor you and make the false assumption that you're correct.  
CG: THE CORRECT ASSUMPTION THAT I'M CORRECT!  
TT: That still wouldn't justify your approach. In fact, it would lend itself towards creating an AU instead. Put all the tools back in the toolbox, not just using those this world has given you a permit for.  
TT: You're taking the lazy way out: Pre-made world and set-up, combined with free reign for whatever vaguely-inspired-by-canon shenanigans you want to get up to after the canon season ends.  
CG: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND READ IT?  
TT: I thought you were sending this to me to get my feedback.  
CG: YOUR FEEDBACK, YES. YOU DECONSTRUCTING EVERY PIECE OF IT UNTIL I’M SITTING IN A PILE OF PHRASES WITH NO MOIRAIL IN SIGHT TO PAP ME OUT OF MY RAGE, NO.  
TT: It’s called constructive criticism.  
CG: IT’S CALLED “WHY THE FUCK DID I SEND THIS TO YOU?”  
CG: NEVERMIND. DON’T BOTHER.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
TT: Did you watch tonight's episode of the Alternian dub yet?  
TG: yup!  
TG: wouldnt miss it for the world  
TG: or earth more on point lulz  
TT: There's no way the Alternian version is going to shoehorn quadrants into this. There's so little editing, and they're keeping extremely close to the Earth version.  
TG: yeah from what i could follow seems p close to jakes  
TG: except u know  
TG: not total shit  
TG: & with an actual cast of voices insteada 1 overzealous jungle boy with a crinkly soundin mic  
TG: whos sayin theres gonna be all teh quadrants?  
TG: wiat  
TT: Karkat.  
TG: lemme guess  
TG: *wait  
TG: goddammit  
TT: Not exactly a challenging guessing game. You've seen his posts, and I'm sure he's ranted to you about it.  
TT: Trying to fit everything into four rigid, stereotyped boxes, with a narrow One True Way mentality about each quadrant.  
TG: o noez i sense trouble in otp land  
TG: dont u ship dad/dave too tho?  
TT: Yes, but not caliginously. Their relationship transcends quadrants – or more accurately, quadrants are virtually irrelevant to their interactions. It's not caliginous, it's not a traditional flushed relationship, it's not “in between” those two.  
TT: It's about power dynamics: the mutual struggle for respect, Dave's insincere push for dominance, and Dad’s efforts to mentor Dave while maintaining his authority, yet without coming across as overbearing.  
TT: I'm assuming you ship them flushed, if you ship them at all, which I guess is closer to my interpretation than his.  
TG: spoiler alert i dont ship them  
TG: i dont really ship anything from goe  
TG: its a frickin animated show for 12 y/os about superheroes who dont even wear spandex briefs  
TG: i dont get emotionally invested in imaginin who might mack on who  
TT: Some of the art on your tumblr begs to disagree.  
TG: thats not about me being a passionate shipper  
TG: i just like art with some smexy beefcake-on-studmuffin action  
TG: unlike you and karkat my interest is p much limited to oh thats hot ok  
TG: not pgs and pgs of tumblr rebuttals and rebuttals of rebuttals and prolly even original buttals in their somewhere  
TG: all based off of if the imaginary blond hero with a sword is in just spades love or kinda spades kinda flushed kinda kinky love with his fedora wearing boss  
TG: but you and karkat are fucking srs bizness about it  
TT: He's really fuckin' serious about it. He's already twelve thousand words into a Dad♠Dave fanfic.  
TG: holy shit hes rly writing that huh  
TT: Yup. He showed me the first 3,000 words or so that he wrote, but he didn't appreciate my initial feedback on it much.  
TG: aww  
TG: is it smutty???  
TT: You just said that you don't ship anyone because it's a show for kids.  
TG: first of all i said preteens not kids big difference  
TG: second of all just cause i dont actively ship it & get my panties all twisted up thinkin about omg my friends r shippin it wrong doesnt mean i couldnt appreciate some erotica with it  
TG: hypothetically obv  
TT: Obviously.  
TG: dad is p hot  
TT: I'm afraid that despite “getting my panties all twisted up” about Guardians of Earth shipping, I cannot fully appreciate the sexual appeal of Dad.  
TG: thats a filthy lie  
TG: unless you wanna bone dave instead  
TT: I know this may come as a shock to you, but it's possible to ship two characters and be invested in their relationship without wanting to bone either of them.  
TG: so u just get off fantasizing about dad bending dave over his knee & spanking him & calling him a bad boy  
TT: That's ludicrously out of character. Even Karkat's fic was more in-character than that.  
TG: u gonna try to convince him to let u read the rest of it  
TT: Eventually he'll post it on tumblr, so I can read and comment on it there. In the meantime, I'm just going graciously to offer my editorial skills again with a thoughtful and eloquent gesture, i.e. by annotating what he had sent me originally.  
TT: Similar to how I did the Pony Pals book for Jane's birthday a couple of years ago. Carefully pointing out and deconstructing tropes (which he's very fond of, no doubt thanks to his toxic levels of exposure to romantic comedies).  
TG: i gotta say thats the best pitch flirting strateg ive heard in a while  
TG: *strategy  
TT: It's not flirting. It's pointing out irony, given his obsession with complaining about how allegedly cliche and trope-filled human cinema is. Then he goes ahead and does it in his own work. Furthermore, just as he's offering his biased interpretation of canon based on how he wants it to be, my droll re-interpretation of his story will put my own lens on it. Layers, and all that.  
TT: More importantly, he's shipping it incorrectly, and I cannot stand by and watch such a crime.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: alright u keep tellin urself that  
TG: im gonna go feed mutie  
TG: bbs  
tipsyGnostalgic is an idle chum!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  began pestering twinArmaggedons [TA]  
TG: omg did u see that latest episode  
TA: 2hockiingly my an2wer ii2 the 2ame a2 the la2t 2iix tiime2 you a2ked me.  
TA: no.  
TG: well im gonna keep asking until you start watching it!  
TG: i could totes understand when to watch it you wouldve had to submit to the multicultural masochism of jakes fandub  
TG: but the alternian dub is p good  
TA: ii could watch iit.  
TA: OR, here’2 an iidea, ii could keep pii22iing off KK by telliing him ii don't 2upport hii2 2hiippiing opiiniion2 becau2e ii don't even watch that 2tupiid 2how.  
TG: lol  
TG: alright i still think u should watch it cause it is a really good show but i totes feel you  
TG: dirks basically doin the same thing with me  
TG: like three weeks ago he was all “so did u know karkats shippin the show wrong & he wrote 12k fic of it”  
TG: “its so dumb but im gonna go through and annotate it cause i totally dont have a caliginous crush on him no this is absooolutely about how wrong he ships”  
TG: worst part is i half believe him  
TG: hes so invested in this  
TG: i mean i cant lie  
TG: im p attached to rose  
TG: and i look up to her yknow  
TG: that ladys got class and badass comin out the wazoo  
TG: but dirk doesnt just idolize dave he obsesses over daves psychology through shippin  
TG: or maybe just projects his fantasies onto him idek  
TA: 2ound2 just liike KK, lmao.  
TA: he’2 ob2e22ed wiith romance 2o he 2ee2 po22iible paiiring2 iin liiterally everythiing.  
TG: see this is why you need to see the show so u can give me ur proper alternian opinion on how it should be shipped  
TA: from what he'2 2aiid iin hii2 tumblr rant2, iit 2ound2 liike blackrom two me.  
TA: don't tell KK ii'm agreeiing wiith hiim, PLEA2E, ii won’t 2top heariing about iit untiil my auriicular 2ponge clot2 2hriivel up and fall out of my head from the 2heer quantiity of word2.   
TA: waiit no that'2 2tupiid. human2 don't do blackrom.  
TG: hey thats a p big generalization  
TA: you're riight, ii’m 2orry.  
TA: but you know what ii mean. iit'2 not culturally recogniized on earth iin the 2ame way. not even clo2e.  
TA: but iif iit wa2, thii2 would qualiify.  
TG: actually dirk linked me to an interview w/ the creator  
TG: it sounds like he actually is p familiar with alternian culture  
TG: soooo  
TA: that'2 pretty cool ii gue22.  
TG: yeah!  
TG: i mean i still dont ship it like that  
TG: but i think its totes legit  
TG: same ship different persectives u know?  
TG: keeps it interesting  
TG: more variety of fics and art for ppl like me to enjoy  
TA: two “enjoy”. uh huh.  
TG: if thats supposed to be suggestive u gotta have a winky face or somethin in there  
TG: like  
TG: mmm greater variety of eyecandy 4 u to “enjoy” huh ;)  
TA: oh my god 2top.  
TG: sry?  
TA: no iit's ju2t. nevermiind.  
TG: :/ ?  
TA: no fuck 2eriiiou2ly nevermiind.  
TG: oook  
TA: maybe ii 2hould watch the 2how.  
TG: ???  
TA: ro2e 2ound2 pretty bada22.  
TG: she is  
TA: and la2t tiime you piitched iit, you mentiioned a dualiity thiing.  
TG: yeah i mean most american cartoons have good/evil duality  
TG: but in this the season 1 baddies are also (spoiler alert) kinda chess themed  
TG: so its kinda got this black/white duality going on w/ another level that main heroes arent in  
TG: ok so thats p background but still nifty  
TG: also u got the old heroes poppop and grandma plus the new heroes dave and rose  
TG: idk feels p balanced and interesting duality dynamics goin on thats not just team of white bread heroes vs forces of darkness  
TG: like u can see in this screenshot shits got LAYERS  
  
TA: that ii2 pretty cool.  
TG: plus the animation is hella sweet  
TG: like here this is dave doin his magic moon princess shit  
  
TA: ok, ok, ii’m 2old.  
TA: god ii can’t beliieve ii’m doiing thii2.  
TA: ii could watch iit and talk two you about iit. and not tell KK.  
TA: not for a whiile at lea2t.  
TG: lmfao hed be so pissed if you watched it and just talked 2 me about it for like weeks  
TG: then like  
TG: season finale rolls around  
TG: the one he (and dirk) are hella invested in  
TG: because le gasp its gonna show whether they take things legit blackrom between dave and dad  
TG: and karkat starts ranting to you about it  
TA: and ii'm ju2t liike, “2hut up KK, ii just fuckiing 2aw iit. ii don't need a recap.”  
TG: “wtf you cant skip ahead like that!!!”  
TA: ii haven't. ii've watched the whole 2ea2on, grubbrain.  
TG: “how long have you been watching it u shitass?!”  
TA: oh liike two month2.  
TG: “U FUCKASS”  
TA: “you fucka22!”  
TG: lol jinx  
TA: 2peakiing of dualiity  
TG: lol rite  
TA: yeah.  
TA: but also my bee2 are actiing up. gotta go check on ‘em.  
TG: ok  
TA: brb.  
twinArmaggedons [TA] logged off.

caliginousAquarium [CA] began trolling twinArmaggedons [TA]  
CA: so a little fish told me youre wwatchin it noww too  
TA: who the fuck told you?  
TA: al2o what made you thiink iit wa2 ok two 2tart me22agiing me agaiin out of the blue liike thii2, go away.   
CA: i just said a little fish you idiot  
TA: ii know what you 2aiid and ii know what that mean2 whiich ii2 why ii’m a2kiing who told you. 2hut up wiith your terriible attempt at dramatiic2.  
CA: youvve got some nervve sol  
CA: im just tryin to start a friendly convversation and youre gettin all defensivve for no good reason  
CA: maybe i shouldntvve evven bothered trying to talk to a lowwblood like yourself  
CA: they say that highbloods are moody but its nothin compared with you  
TA: ii'm moody?! you're the one cryiing two KK or kanaya or roxy every other day becau2e 2omeone was mean two you or diidn't pay enough attentiion two you and you pii22ed your liittle grub diiaper goiing intwo hy2teriic2 over how nobody love2 you!  
CA: thats slander you piece of dirtlovvin garbage  
CA: im a sensitivve guy whos had some rough times and youre completely exaggeratin my perfectly legitimate emotional ebbs and flowws  
CA: god forbid i have more fuckin emotions than snarky asshole or temper tantrum  
TA: you're 2uch an iimbeciile, tho2e aren't even emotiion2.  
CA: they might as wwell be alright  
CA: im usin some artistic license evver heard of that  
CA: of course not because youre uncultured swwine  
TA: 2ay2 one of the biigge2t goe fanboy2 on alterniia.  
CA: youre wwatchin it noww so youre bein a total hypocrite  
TA: only becau2e whiiney jacka22e2 liike you wouldn't leave me alone.  
CA: oh so youre admittin my recommendation played a role  
TA: no.  
CA: and kars opinion too im sure  
TA: no that'2 not what ii meant.  
CA: hey does kar even knoww youre wwatchin this noww  
CA: oh wwoww can you imagine if i found out before he did  
CA: im gonna tell him  
TA: NO you fuckiing don't!  
CA: oh noww wwhos pissin his little grub diaper  
TA: can you at lea2t 2top gloatiing long enough two tell me who told you.  
CA: kan told me  
TA: goddammiit.  
TA: ii forgot roxy told her.  
CA: cats outta the bag noww  
CA: so since youvve seen the showw you musta read kars fanfic right  
TA: that Dad♠Dave one?  
CA: um obvviously  
CA: cmon evven if it wwasnt kars fic it still should be the number one fic you or anybody reads in the goe fandom  
CA: its nothin short of fuckin brilliant  
TA: ii haven't read iit.  
CA: wwhy the fuck not  
TA: becau2e ii have a liife out2iide of thii2 2tupiid overzealou2 fandom full of lo2ers liike you.  
CA: fuck you wwere a bunch of wwinners  
CA: kars got the fic and ivve got the wwebsite  
TA: new2fla2h, EVERYONE ha2 tumblr.  
TA: that doe2n’t make you 2peciial, hate two break iit two you.  
CA: oh my god i wwasnt talkin about that fuckin social media cesspool you moron  
CA: im not a pleb like you ok i got class  
CA: <http://goo.gl/xWtAy9>  
CA: wwell?  
TA: well what.  
CA: wwhat do you think  
TA: ii haven't even cliicked on iit yet.  
CA: wwhat the fuck are you wwaiting for  
CA: i put hours into that wwebsite  
TA: yeah and ii could wa2te 2econd2 of my liife lookiing at iit.  
CA: are you gonna keep carpin or are you gonna take a look  
TA: fiine. ii'm goiing two regret thii2.  
TA: ye2. ii regret thii2.  
CA: no wway that was like fivve seconds  
TA: whiich wa2 more than enough tiime two 2how me that you know le22 about creatiing web2iite2 than a bliind mu2clebea2t paiintiing the 2creen wiith it2 own fece2.  
CA: no  
TA: yeah.  
CA: no wway  
TA: ye2 way.  
CA: youre just glubbin about the design cause you dont wwanna acknowwledge the crowwnin jewwel that is the content  
CA: wwhich might i remind you is the most important part of a wwebsite dedicated to critiquin such a vvenerable piece of media like this one  
CA: struck speechless huh   
CA: evven if i went a little ovverboard wwith the wweb design and wwho can blame me wwhen ivve got access to such graphics and such a powwerful pairing to talk about  
CA: the real gems the content  
TA: are you talkiing about the dii2organiized ramble2 about dad and dave a2 your otp iinter2per2ed wiith 2ong lyriic2 and quote2 from kk2 fiic  
CA: its organized in an artsy wway you wwouldnt understand  
CA: youvve got no taste  
CA: youre all about programmin and numbers and codin and followwin instructions  
CA: typical fuckin pissblood landdweller  
TA: wow eriidan iif ii wa2n’t 2ure that you’re full of hoofbea2t2hiit before, ii’m completely 2ure now.  
TA: you have no iidea what you’re talking about. a hacker doe2 the oppo2iite of followiing instructiion2.  
TA: and even art ha2 rule2. not followiing them doe2n't make you a groundbreakiing artii2t.  
TA: iit just make2 you a narcii22ii2tiic diip2hiit who thiink2 no one el2e iin the world ha2 ever thought up free ver2e poetry or whatever before.  
CA: or wwhatevver  
CA: see this is just further evvidence that youvve only got twwo emotions  
CA: if you actually had a heart itd be poundin right noww from all the powwerful feelins this site brings up  
TA: how many people have you 2howed thii2 two.  
CA: a feww  
TA: that'2 vague.  
CA: wwhy do you care  
TA: ii want two know how many and who 2o ii can cru2h your bull2hiit claiim that they all had “powerful feeliing2” from iit.  
CA: its none of your business  
CA: im not givvin you that info  
CA: clearly you just dont appreciate a beautiful pairing and a beautiful wwebsite when they stare you straight in the eyes holdin hands like the perfect couple they are  
TA: iif you're 2ayiing ii don't liike dad/dave ju2t becau2e ii don't liike your crappy web2iite you're totally wrong.  
CA: am not you clearly have an irrational bias against that pairing  
TA: no fuckiing way  
TA: ju2t look at thii2 fiic ii read the other week:  
TA transferred file “ImprovedVersion.doc”  
CA: wwhat the flippin fuck is this trash  
CA: wwhere did you get this  
TA: ehehehehe  
CA: seriously wwhat the hell am i lookin at  
CA: this looks like kars fic but some asshole ruined it  
CA: wwait a sec  
CA: you totally havve read kars story except its this awwful bastardized vversion  
TA: iit'2 only a 2mall sectiion of iit and ii'm bettiing thii2 ii2 way better than the oriigiinal.  
CA: and kar has the nervve  
CA: no  
CA: the idiocy to think that youre his best friend and not me  
CA: im done wwith you you clearly dont take anyfin or anyone seriously  
TA: wow you mu2t be mad. you lap2ed iinto fi2h puns agaiin there.  
caliginousAquarium [CA] has blocked twinArmaggedons [TA]

caligulasAquarium [CA]  began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CA: kar  
CA: did you watch it i just wwatched it  
CG: THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE? OBVIOUSLY.  
CA: k just checkin  
CA: cause you knoww wwhat that means  
CA: its only a wweek awway  
CG: WOW, YOU'VE SOLVED IT. EPISODES COME OUT ONCE A WEEK. WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH! DO YOU WANT YOUR SCOUT BADGE IN PATTERN RECOGNITION NOW?  
CA: har har vvery funny kar  
CA: i cant fuckin wwait  
CA: the big finale wwhere dad spades davve better become fuckin canon  
CG: I HOPE SO.  
CA: come on theres no wway they wwont do it  
CA: look at all the bullshit they put in so far  
CA: like makin davverose explicit  
CG: THAT WASN'T BULLSHIT. THAT WAS PERFECTLY REASONABLE.  
CA: no wway they dont confide in each other enough  
CG: THEY LITERALLY CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER WITH THINGS THEY WON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE IN THE GROUP ALL THE DAMN TIME.  
CA: yeah but theyre both still guarded around each other  
CA: come on humans clearly dont knoww howw to do the pale thing right  
CA: to be a good moirail you gotta alwways be listenin and wwillin to bear your heart except wwhen you dont trust them for some kinda good reason or if they might betray you to your enemies or youvve got mixed feelins about them that might be shiftin betwween quadrants  
CG: OR YOU'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE BUT ONLY RECENTLY BECAME MOIRAILS AND YOU'RE STILL TESTING THE WATERS AND BEING CAREFUL TO NOT PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE TOO MUCH.  
CG: LIKE DAVE AND ROSE.  
CA: wwhatever  
CA: the point is if they think that ships legit theyvve gotta make dad spades davve canonical  
CG: OR THE POTENTIAL FOR IT. THEY DON’T NEED TO ACTUALLY HATEDATE YET.  
CG: AFTER ALL, THE SLOW BURN IS THE BEST PART OF IT.  
CA: yeah but if wwe could just get somethin little like a kiss  
CG: THEY AREN'T GOING TO KISS, YOU IMBECILE. HAVE YOU EVEN WATCHED THE ENGLISH VERSION?  
CA: wwell not all of it  
CA: you said yourself that jakes dub was literally the wworst dump anyone had ever taken in your ear  
CG: NO I SAID IT WAS “METAPHORICALLY” BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYONE OR ANYTHING SHITTING IN MY EAR REGULARLY, OR EVER!  
CA: by the wway i knoww i sent it to you before but you logged off and then kept missin my messages wwhere i asked you about it again  
CG: OH GOD, HERE WE GO.  
CA: but you gotta tell me wwhat you thought of my wwebsite  
CG: I CAN’T *BELIEVE* I’M SAYING THIS. I’M LITERALLY STARING, AWESTRUCK, AT HOW MY GRIPNUBS ARE CURRENTLY COASTING ACROSS MY HUSKTOP’S ALPHANUMERIC PRESSBRICK FRAME IN ORDER TO FORM THESE VERY SENTENCES.  
CG: BUT SOLLUX WAS RIGHT. THE DESIGN IS TRASH, THE CONTENT IS TRASH, AND THE CREATOR IS TRASH.  
CA: wwhat  
CG: IT'S THE BIGGEST HEAP OF GLITTERY, STINKING VOMIT I'VE SEEN SINCE A HIGHBLOOD'S LUSUS GOT INTO THE CATNIP AND THEN TRASHED AND PARTIALLY DEVOURED THE NEAREST CRAFT STORE.  
CA: kar you cant mean that  
CA: im your biggest fan  
CG: WHICH REFLECTS PRETTY SHITTILY ON ME, THANKS.  
CG: I'M ASHAMED THAT YOU LINK TO MY FANFIC ON THAT JOKE YOU CALL A WEBSITE.  
CA: wwell you may not like my wwebsite  
CA: but no one else likes your stupid fic anywway  
CA: i left all 17 kudos you got on that fic  
CG: IS THAT WHY ALL OF THEM ARE GUEST EXCEPT FOR THE ONE WITH YOUR USERNAME?  
CA: yeah and im gonna go take that one back because you dont appreciate wwhat i do for you  
CA: you dont appreciate wwho i am or any of my feelins  
CA: youre the shittiest friend and palecrush everything  
CG: ERIDAN, YOU HAVE A PALE CRUSH ON LITERALLY ANYONE WHO WILL TALK TO YOU.  
CA: hey its not like thats a lot of people thats only like fivve people  
CG: THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO ADMIT TO FREELY, THAT ONLY FIVE PEOPLE WILL TALK TO YOU.  
CA: im just difficult to understand okay and not a lot of people are wwilling to reach out and form a bond with a sensitivve guy like me  
CA: kinda like howw davve cant get close to a lot of people i mean obvviously he talks to a lot more because hes a movvie director but the number he can open up to at all is wway wway smaller  
CA: hey thats a brilliant idea i just had pointin that out you should talk about it in your fic like davves textin someone from his personal phone and theres only five contacts and hes all sad but he keeps his stiff upper lip you knoww  
CG: NO, SHUT UP. YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE DAVE, YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE DAD, YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE ANY OF THE GUARDIANS OF EARTH, AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CANON OR HEAVILY IMPLIED RELATIONSHIP LIKE ANY OF THEM, BECAUSE YOU'RE WAY TOO SELF-CENTERED AND OBNOXIOUS TO ATTRACT ANYONE.  
CG: AND DO *NOT* GIVE ME ASININE SUGGESTIONS FOR MY FIC.  
CA: wwithout me your fic wwouldnt havve any readers  
CG: THAT'S A LIE. I JUST CHECKED MY FIC HAS 19 KUDOS, SO AT LEAST TWO OTHER PEOPLE IN THE GALAXY LIKED IT.  
CA: howw do you knoww i didnt go in there and leavve them just noww  
CG: AND IF YOU HAD, YOU WOULD'VE PULLED THAT FACT OUT SOONER.  
CA: fine you got me it wwasnt only 17/19 kudos were me  
CA: you have three wwhole readers wwhoops twwo noww because you dont appreciate me  
CG: STOP BITCHING AND GO BACK TO SOBBING INTO YOUR WEBDESIGN FOR SHITTY WIGGLERS BOOK.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]  


carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]  
CG: ARE YOU WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW?  
TT: As always, my illegal livestream of it straight from Alternia is up and runnin'. I wouldn't miss this for the world.  
CG: ME NEITHER. I JUST WANTED TO CONFIRM THAT SO I DON'T LAUGH IN YOUR FACE BEFORE YOU'VE GOTTEN TO WITNESS THE ICEBERG THAT WILL SINK YOUR FRAGILE SHIP.  
TT: We have the same ship, dude, we just sail it to different ports.  
CG: FINE, YOU'RE TAKING YOUR SHIP TO FRIGID NORTHERN WATERS FILLED WITH GLACIERS, WHERE IT'S GOING TO SINK, BECAUSE YOU'RE A SHITTY CAPTAIN.  
TT: Icebergs.  
CG: HUH?  
TT: You mean icebergs, not glaciers.  
CG: AREN'T THEY THE SAME THING?  
TT: Nope.  
CG: OH FUCK.  
CG: WHATEVER, MY LIMITED KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR WORLD'S POLES AND THEIR FREAKISHLY COLD WEATHER IS NOT THE POINT.  
CG: THE POINT IS WE'RE ONLY A FEW MINUTES AWAY FROM THE FATEFUL SCENE THAT WILL SET THE STAGE FOR DAD AND DAVE'S RELATIONSHIP IN ALTERNIAN CANON, AND CAPTURE THE HEARTS OF HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF AVID SHIPPERS.  
TT: I see you're only the tiniest bit invested in this.  
CG: SHUT UP.  
TT: You're the one who messaged me.  
CG: I HAD THAT ONE QUESTION, AND NOW I'M NOT MESSAGING YOU UNTIL THE SCENE COMES UP!  
TT: You just messaged me right now. You're not doing very well at sticking to your alleged plan.  
CG: ARGH!  
CG: JUST DON'T MESSAGE ME AGAIN UNTIL THE SCENE, OKAY?!  
CG: FINE, I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.  
CG: SHIT WE'RE ALMOST THERE.  
CG: I'M SO READY FOR THIS.  
TT: I've never been more ready in my life to see you get proven wrong.  
TT: And there it goes, no spades in sight.  
CG: SHUT UP. THERE'S STILL TIME.  
TT: Not much.  
CG: IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL THE EPISODE'S OVER!!!  
CG: THEY RESTRUCTURE THESE A BIT SOMETIMES.  
TT: I highly doubt they will with this, given the footage we just saw.  
CG: WHAT THE SHIT.  
TT: ... Well that's not what I expected.  
CG: WHAT THE */FUCK/* IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?!?!  
TT: This is supposed to be them incorporating Alternian romantic norms into the season finale.  
CG: NOT LIKE THIS!!!   
  
CG: THIS IS NOT OK. ON ANY FUCKING LEVEL.  
TT: Actually there are a few levels on which this is OK. Such as the fact that they're acknowledging non-flushed romance, rather than trying to keep this exclusively to human cultural norms.  
CG: I'D RATHER THEY COMPLETELY IGNORED THE QUADRANT THAN INSERT IT IN THIS HAM-FISTED, BRUTALLY-CLUMSY WAY.  
CG: THERE'S PLENTY OF ALTERNIAN MEDIA THAT GLORIFIES UNHEALTHY, MURDEROUS KISMESSITUDES, OBVIOUSLY, BUT TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO SHOVE THAT DISGUSTING, ROTTING TROPE INTO GUARDIANS OF EARTH?!  
CG: YOU MUST BE THRILLED BY THIS. YOUR PRECIOUS ROUTE WAS MIRACULOUSLY FREE OF ICEBERGS AND GLACIERS AND ICECUBES AND ANY OTHER FROZEN WATER THINGS MIGHT HAVE TORN THROUGH ITS HULL.  
CG: MEANWHILE I TAKE THE PERFECTLY LOGICAL ROUTE AND GET HIT BY A FREAK STORM THAT CAPSIZES ME BECAUSE GOD, I.E. THE TRANSLATION TEAM, HATES ME.  
TT: Sorry to burst your bubble while you're working up quite the righteous rage, but I'm actually I'm kinda with you on this one.  
CG: ... SERIOUSLY?  
TT: Yeah, though I wouldn't get as enraged about it as you, it is perpetuating an unhealthy and frankly stale trope, in a show where better options exist.  
TT:Before you jump the gun and get yourself shot with my carefully-targeted character analysis, I'm not suggesting that Dad♠Dave is the better option. Just sayin' that if they wanted more quadranted romance in this show, Jack♠Dave isn't what they should've picked.  
CG: IS IT WEIRD THAT I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU AGREE THIS IS A LOAD OF HOOFBEAST CRAP?  
TT: Nah, not at all. You don't want your caliginous crush to be anything less than a paragon of loathability. However, you're not so assbackwards that I *always* actually disagree with you.  
TT: Though sometimes I pretend to just to observe your reaction. It's both educational and entertaining.  
CG: YOU *DICK.*  
TT: Not even bothering with denial of the caliginous crush, I see. Well, that's a step forward.  
CG: GIVEN YOUR LOVE OF AVOIDING PEOPLE PROBLEMS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE, I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T BE BRINGING THIS UP UNLESS IT WAS MUTUAL.  
TT: At this point it's in my best interest to throw you a bone and confirm your suspicions.  
CG: OH.  
CG: ... WELL UM.  
TT: Um?  
CG: WHATEVER. IT'S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS. EVEN IF IT IS MUTUAL.  
CG: YOU'RE FAR AWAY AND IT'D BE STUPID FOR US TO TRY SOMETHING. IF YOU WANTED TO, THAT IS, WHICH YOU PROBABLY DON'T ANYWAY.  
TT: You're making a hell of a lot of assumptions there.  
CG: WELL WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY LIVES ON ANOTHER PLANET?! WHO IT'D BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO EVEN MEET IN REAL LIFE?  
TT: Impossible? It's not like we don't have interstellar travel, dude.  
CG: YEAH BUT NOT FOR BROKE STUDENTS!  
TT: Sure we do. There are a bunch of ways. Hasn't Terezi told you that Jane's moving out there for a student exchange program next semester?  
CG: ... YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?  
TT: Texas, USA, Earth isn't where I plan to spend my whole fuckin' life, or even necessarily the whole of the next couple of years. I've been wanting to see Alternia since before you and I started talking, so I wouldn't be “doing it for you” or anything like that.  
TT: So what d'you say? Shall we make this “tumblr official”?  
CG: OH BOY, AN ATTEMPT AT IRONY. CONGRATULATIONS, THAT STABBED ME RIGHT IN THE GUT.  
TT: No, that's dead serious. I know how fond of little meaningless cliches like that you are.  
CG: IT'S NOT MEANINGLESS! IT MIGHT BE CLICHE BUT THERE ARE PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE, NOT-SAPPY REASONS FOR PUTTING IT UP THERE.  
TT: Name three.  
CG: I'M NOT STOOPING TO THIS!!! DO YOU WANT TO DATE, OR DO YOU WANT TO KEEP PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF?  
TT: Doesn't successful execution of the former require me to do the latter?  
CG: WE CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSION WHILE YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE SHIT. YOU CAN GO BACK TO BEING A LITTLE SHIT AFTERWARDS.  
TT: I don't entirely agree, but I'll humor you.  
CG: OR YOU DO AGREE AND YOU'RE DOING THE THING WHERE YOU PRETEND NOT TO IN ORDER TO “EXPERIMENT” ON ME.  
TT: No need for quotation marks. Experiment is precisely the right word, even if I'm using it in a colloquial sense rather than in the laboratory-specific sense with all the steps, red tape, and fussy codes of conduct that come with that.  
CG: PLEASE. YOU TRY WAY TOO HARD AT KEEPING UP THIS DETACHED, ROBOTIC PERSONA.  
CG: THEN AGAIN, I'M YOUR KISMESIS – WHAT THE FUCK DOES MY OPINION MATTER ABOUT YOUR AWFUL PERSONALITY?  
CG: AS LONG AS YOU KEEP HAVING HORRIBLY COMPLEX YET INACCURATE TASTES IN SHIPPING.  
TT: Speaking of my far more cultivated tastes, when I saw that Sollux reblogged your fic, that reminded me that I never gave you my edits on the first section.  
CG: WELL TOO LATE FOR THAT SINCE AS YOU JUST SAW, IT'S BEEN POSTED AND CIRCULATING.  
TT: I know, but you're going to have to revise it anyway, with the new canon, aren't you?  
CG: NO.  
TT: Come on, you can't just ignore the horrible yet canon pitch interest between Jack and Dave. Think of it as a new challenge. You love complicated quadrants, don't you?  
TT: You want to keep writing, and you're not going to settle on a tangential fic that doesn't hold true to even all of season one.  
CG: STOP TELLING ME HOW TO WRITE.  
TT: I haven't even started doing that yet, since you've yet to share my annotations with you.  
TT transferred file “ImprovedVersion.doc”  
CG: ...  
CG: THIS IS THE MOST INSULTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.  
TT: ♠

**Author's Note:**

> If you want more info about the show, check out the [episode guide](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2235483).


End file.
